Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
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Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”