Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.


girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher


[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”


Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.



Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.


Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.


Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot


My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.


How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.