Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys