Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty