Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW