Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
You Might Also Like
the three genders
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time