Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Mornin. * use accordingly
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
The Backseat Boys
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.