Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
You Might Also Like
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
selfie game
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them