sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.