Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?