Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.