@nerdamage

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

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@Reverend_Scott

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

@hbreaker9999

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

@UncleDuke1969

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

@SnarkyMommy78

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

@isabelzawtun

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

@themafinch

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

@NicCageMatch

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

@Spaziotwat

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”