Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt