Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
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Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Pretty much! 😂👀
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
*cough*
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Wait a minute…
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
🤣😈🤣
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things