Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
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Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*