Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Saw your ex at the shops
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?