Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I was bored.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer