Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
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Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”