Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
You Might Also Like
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.