Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
You Might Also Like
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
We decided to have money instead of children.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.