Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
still the best tweet of the year by far
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*