Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
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I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
File under excellent bookstore names.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.