Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.