Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
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I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.