Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
My nickname in high school was “who?”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs