Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
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Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.