Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
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Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
#titanic
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Incredible customer service.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.