Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
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“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever