Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Not today
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.