Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in