Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

he was correct

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.