Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
why am I working on Labor Day
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Breaking news:
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.