Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
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We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.