Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
You Might Also Like
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
tell em, edith-anne
I’m having an out of money experience.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Clients after you give them your rates
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out