Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.