Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
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captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
How about I get 100% off by already being there
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
*skinny dips into black hole
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
i choose….tongue
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*