Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Smile they said.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.