@TheSharona06

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

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@thatcarlygirl

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

@Marlebean

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

@tarashoe

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

@KyleMcDowell86

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

@beefman138

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

@Heldinchains

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

@hythemafia

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”