Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Sooo many times…..

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen