Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
You can’t rush stupid.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book