Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean