Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
when there are deer in the woods
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!