sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.