Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.