Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
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Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.