Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
dril cadence
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me