Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
You Might Also Like
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD