Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The Book. The Movie.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you