Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
War & Peace
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?