Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”