Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I will never stop laughing at this
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
a badder mouse
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.