Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.