Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
this is uni
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]