Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
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thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.